


midnight pains

by sora (zostir)



Category: Given (Manga)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, almost everything is in the very first page of the manga, kinda spoilerish but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 01:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19241260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zostir/pseuds/sora
Summary: Mafuyu used to have the same dream, again and again. He thought he got rid of it, but old demons won't leave you alone as easily. He knows he can't forget about it.Maybe he doesn't have to.





	midnight pains

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this when i was at my grandma's with no wifi so don't expect much, but i liked it

_I can't close my eyes - you're always before me._

_The image in my mind is too neat; I remember the same details with frightening accuracy. As I enter your room, I raise my eyes to you, to the rope that binds you to heaven. Your skylight is ajar and tiny stars shine through the pane. They seem to be laughing at me._

_Your guitar is in my hands. I clutch it as hard as I can, but even when my fingers linger on the strings, I can't hear anything. This room with only a part of you is too silent. Or maybe I am deaf. Maybe there's a cacophony that my ears fail to catch. I can't even hear the screams of my own heart._

_I want to stop watching, too, but my eyelids don't hide your face and I can't turn my head. I am petrified, astonished by this unexpected outcome. My body doesn't respond anymore. I am a prisoner of a curse, doomed to look at you until the end._

_Even though your body still moves, you remain motionless. Your eyes are wide open. They look at me, look straight through my soul._

_I know it's a dream. In reality, there was the stench of alcohol, but I don't dream of smells._

_I know it's a dream. I see my own shadow in your eyes._

 

He jolts awake in a cry, tears rolling down his cheeks, his breath unsteady.

The night is mild but his shoulders quiver from the shreds of despair that suffocated him in the dream. The tremor comes from the inside. He hates the way his heart pumps his blood, feels tired by the consciousness of the neverending flow, the constant reminder that he is alive. There was a time when the idea was almost unbearable, and so he closed himself off. When he had free time, he tried to drown himself into sleepiness, forgetting about his own guilt.

He slept against the cold frame of his guitar, and he woke up cold and tired, despising his loneliness.

But now, there's a warm body against his - a lying boy whose chest rises and falls, and when he exhales, the light, airy sound of breathing sounds like a beat. And two blue eyes, open, catch the glow of the moon, as a light ray eludes the close curtain. Soft lips, that brushed against Mafuyu's several times before, let out a worried yet comforting smile.

Uenoyama keeps quiet, watching over Mafuyu as he cries. His hand falls on Mafuyu head, his fingers stroking its tip, mending with the curls of his hair. The touch comforts him. Gradually, Mafuyu's sobs calm down, and a wave of pure exhaustion washes over him. He wishes to sleep, again, but he's afraid of his own mind. And Uenoyama is right beside him, concerned, not hiding his worry. He looks powerless, yet not defeated. Uenoyama is weak before him, Mafuyu remembers, and he has trouble expressing his own feelings. Mafuyu understands. He himself can't vent his thoughts if not for a song.

"I'm fine", he murmurs, caressing his boyfriend's cheek to reassure him. "I only dreamt of the past. It's all over."

"But you can't forget him."

Mafuyu is the group's singer, but he was told Uenoyama used to be one too, in his former group. Being a guitarist suits him better, but his voice is nice to hear and, somehow, powerful. Mafuyu shivers when he hears it. There's a hint of trouble in Uenoyama's voice, and also a bit of sadness. It hurts Mafuyu - but it's a kind of dull, ephemeral pain. It's like a pang in his stomach, nothing serious. He hides his face in the crook of Uenoyama's neck.

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be." Uenoyama's throat vibrates as he talks - it tickles Mafuyu. "Feel like telling me your dream?"

Silence fills the room. They lie against each other, their breaths mingling, and it's comfortable Mafuyu almost falls asleep. But Uenoyama's heartbeat against his chest keeps him awake, and finally, he tells him everything.

Mafuyu doesn't have a lot of nightmares, now. He used to have the same dream, again and again. After he wrote their first song and started dating Uenoyama, it almost stopped. He still dreams of his past from time to time, it often happens when he meets Hiiragi and Shizu. He's usually alone these nights, as Uenoyama barely sleeps at his home. When he does, Mafuyu feels safer.

Still, it's true: he can't forget about his past. He'll always bear this scar on his soul, will always have an empty hole in his heart.

Uenoyama accepted him as he is - no matter how ugly his soul is.

"You loved him", Uenoyama says. "I think it's okay if you still dream of him. You won't forget. As long as you're happy otherwise, it's no problem."

Mafuyu nods against him, but he feels vulnerable. His relationship with Uenoyama is different from his previous one. It doesn't feel as natural, but even when they argue, it doesn't matter that much. Yet he can't say his feelings are more toned down; they're fierce, and he truly misses Uenoyama when he's not with him.

He likes it that way, anyhow.

"Mafuyu." Uenoyama's voice shivers when he says his name. Even though they've been dating for a while, he still can't pronounce his name without emotion. And Mafuyu himself feels something when Uenoyama calls him - a sense of excitation, maybe. "If you're home alone and you have a dream in the middle of the night, call me. I'll let my phone on for you."

"But I'll wake you up."

"I don't mind." Uenoyama breathes in. "That's what boyfriends are supposed to do."

Mafuyu smiles. He knows Uenoyama isn't as strong as he pretends. He's unsure of his behaviour, most of the time; sometimes, he's too jealous for his own good, other times he's too embarrassed and ends up making an idiot of himself. But he tries his best to be supportive of Mafuyu, and slowly he lets his boyfriend sees his own flaws. His problems might be less dramatic than Mafuyu's, but they still hinder him. Mafuyu also loves the part of him that lost courage once but never gave up.

"Then", he whispers, feeling the arms of Morpheus closing over him, "if you ever need me too, I'll do the same, Uenoyama-kun."

His boyfriend's small laugh makes him fall into slumber.

 

This time, he doesn't dream.


End file.
